How Venison was Discovered (Venison = Deer Meat)

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Dear the deer met up with two of his friends, Deer and Deere. Deere and Deer were having a meeting with Dear. “Dear, my dear,” said Deer, “Shall we start the meeting?” “Sure!” cried Deere. Deer was cross. “I called Dear, not you, Deere!”

“But you DID call me!”

“Did not!”

“Did too!”

“Did not!”

“Did not! Oops I mean…”

“There! You said it not!”

“But I DID say something! I did not say nothing!”

Dear shouted, “SHUT UP! YOU’RE MAKING NO SENSE AT ALL!!!!”

Deer shouted, “OH YOU SHUT UP! WE ARE HAVING A MEETING! DEERE AND I!”

“Oh, yes! ME AND YOU! ME AND YOU, DEAR DEER!”

“SHUT UP YOU TWO!!!” yelled Deere. “This is getting us nowhere!”

“But where IS Nowhere? Is it a continent, a country or a city?” asked Dear.

They made so much noise that a hunter heard them from 60 metres away. He sneaked up behind Dear…

Deer and Deere saw the hunter, but not Dear. Deer and Deere yelled as loudly as they could. A gunman heard the noise and saw that the hunter was his arch enemy. He crept up behind the hunter. Deere snorted. A woman nearby thought it was her husband, but when she looked around, she only saw the gunman, who had killed her grandpa, Grand Mr Pa. She took a chopper and edged slowly to the gunman.

The hunter fired his arrow! 32 split seconds after that the gunman fired! And 78 split seconds after that the woman sliced the gunman’s head off! She saw the hunter and realized that IT WAS HER HUSBAND! The hunter was so angry for killing his arch enemy which HE was supposed to kill that he grabbed the chopper and sliced the woman’s head off too.

After that, he took Dear home to make the skin into something not useful (he did that just for fun). He skinned Dear. Just then, smoke appeared from the kitchen! His silly, ugly wife had left the bloomin’ cookin’ stove unattended! He picked up a cloth, wet it and started hitting the fire. In the end, the fire was put out. But he had left the body of dear Dear in the fire! He looked at the cloth. It was actually Dear’s skin. How silly. He suddenly felt hungry. He searched the refrigerator, the freezer and the larder for food, but there was no food. In the end, he pooped in his pants. Wait no, he ate Dear. It was so delicious! He named the meat after his wife, Venison. And that’s how venison was discovered! Hurray!

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How Pork was Discovered

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A pig called Peeg had fallen sick. He had eaten three bananas in a row. He coughed, he spluttered, he vomited, and worse of all… he BURPED… wait no, that’s not it, his poo was YELLOW and smelt of chicken. The farmer, Farm Er, was very worried if the sickness would spread to the other fellow pigs, Pig, Peeeg, Peeeeg and Peeeeeeeeeeee.So Farm Er decided to slaughter poor Peeg. Pig, Peeeg, Peeeeg and Peeeeeeeeeeee were very relieved. They hated Peeg because if they took out one e from his name, his name would be Peg, and that does not rhyme with Pig.

“Oh, Pig, Peeeg, Peeeeg and Peeeeeeeeeeee! Help me!” cried Peeg. Peeeg and Peeeeg were cross. “You like Pig the best!” they cried. “You keep saying his name so many times, but not ours! Peeeeeeeeeeee is also lucky that you called him once!” Peeg was sad. He thought, Peeeg and Peeeeg are so bad!I called them too, but they think I called Pig and Peeeeeeeeeeee only! Big sillies, they are. Farm Er took the chopper and marched towards Peeg. Peeg tried to run, but he was looking back at Farm Er, and tripped and fell all over Peeeeeeeeeeee’s poo. “Ew!” cried Peeeg.”You stink, Peeeeeeeeeeee!” Peeeeeeeeeeee did not hear him as he was listening to Farm Er’s MP3.Farm Er did not see Peeg and fell over him into Peeeeeeeeeeee’s poo and accidentally sliced Peeg’s neck. “ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

All of Peeg’s blood splattered onto Peeeeeeeeeeee’s poo and “dyed” it red. Farm Er did not see it and thought it was a splattered tomato.He loved tomatoes and so, he ate it all up. “Best one I ever had,” he kept saying. “Best one ever.”He forgot all about Peeg’s dead body after that. It was left in a little wooden shed which Farm Er had named “LWSAVVN” (Little wooden sheds are very very nice).

One day, there was a great famine.Farm Er, his wife, Er Farm and his son did not have anything to eat. Farm Er went into LWSAVVN to look for food. However, he only found… Peeg.

He took a bite. “Yum!” he cried. “Let’s cook it!” He did, and named it after his son, Pork.

And that’s how pork was discovered! (Not really)

How Beef was Discovered

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The cow, Cow’s birthday was here. The goose, Goose, gave him a feather. The duck, Duck, gave him two feathers. The turkey, Turkey, gave him three feathers. The chicken, Chicken, gave him no feathers. The pig, Pig, gave him a slop of slop. However, the horse, Bob, gave him a trampoline.

“Where in the haystack did you get a trampoline?!” cried Cow. Bob replied, “In the haystack.”

“Oh.”

Cow got so excited about the trampoline that he cried, “HOLY MACARONI!” and in the same time, threw his arms up and knocked all the presents away into the neighbour’s house.

Cow cried, “All of you stay here! It’s my birthday! Watch me jump! Watch me soar! Watch me pee on the trampoline!” All of them groaned.

Four hours passed, night was approaching and Cow was still on that thing. He had ordered everybody to stay and watch him, and so far, no one stopped him as they were supposed to be nice to him on his birthday. Soon, Pig got so mad that he just screamed, “WHAT THE MACKERELS IS TAKING YOU SO LONG?!” Cow was shocked. He got so angry and suddenly started hopping like mad, shouting, “Oh yeah?! Oh YEAH?! WANNA SEE ME TAKE LONG?! I’LL SHOW YOU!! I’LL SHOW YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!” And made a sudden ferocious LEAP, as he leaped into the air with a tremendous speed, flying higher and higher into the air, not stopping until all the animals could see nothing but a small silhouette of Cow… then a small dot… and then… he was gone!

“Ah well, who cares about that pain in the neck anyway?” sighed Turkey. The animals then scuttled away to bed.

Meanwhile, Cow was up in the air, soaring so high that he had burst through the atmosphere, and the heat of that cooked him to the core. Up in space, he didn’t go over the moon just like how the other cow did but instead landed with a loud thump and screech on the moon floor. Cow did not float, as he was so heavy as he was on earth that he did not even float on the moon.

And meanwhile still, a rocket called The Fart 2000000000000000000 was taking lift-off as two brave (but hungry, they didn’t eat a thing to prevent embarrassing farts) astronauts waited nervously (with growling stomachs) inside. Jim and Jam mopped cold beads of perspiration trickling down their cheeks when they heard the final calls of “3… 2… 1… LIFT OFF!!!”

A huge farting sound was made as the rocket soared through the air. Higher and higher she went, until she landed on the moon! Getting off the spaceship, Jim and Jam looked around the moon for the first time in their lives. As they stuck their flag onto the moon, Jam wailed, “I’m hungry, Jim, I’m hungry, Jim, I’m hungry, Jim, I’m hungry, Jim, I’m hungry, JIM!!!” “SHUT UP!!” cried Jim. And then Jam suddenly jumped to his feet, and pointed at something in the distance. “I say, Jim,” he said, “what’s that?”

They went over to the “thing”, and then found out it was a roasted cow! “FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!” Jam cried, and tucked in. Jim was shocked. No one, NO ONE had ever eaten a cow before, nevertheless a roasted one! “Mmm!” Jam cried. “Try some, Jim!” Jim stood rooted to the ground, thinking. Suddenly, his tummy let out a growl so loud it sounded like thunder echoing off walls. “Oh, fine then!” and he hesitantly picked up a piece of Cow and ate it. It was so good that they ate up the whole lot. “Amazing!” he cried.

Jam said, “Oh yeah?! You can say that again! We just made a discovery that will change the whole of mankind! Hip hip, HURRAY! Hurray, hurray, hurray, POOP!”

Jim said, “Oh dear, Jam, you’ve pooped in your pants again! Never mind, let’s just get back to earth and share the good news!”

And so they did, and live happily ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever after. I think.